I still don’t see how spending a shitload of money to keep me alive is worth it. 1 year and 4 months back, I almost died of Leptospirosis. I was in the hospital for 3 weeks: 1 week in the ward, and 2 weeks in the ICU + rest in ward before I was released from the hospital. All in all, we’ve spent about P400,000. Return of investment for keeping me alive? Zero. Even in the near future I don’t think I’m going to make up for it.
That’s not the only reason why I’m thinking this way.
Three years ago, I started going to college with the intention of finishing Electronics and Communications Engineering within 5 years. Everything went smoothly until I was in 2nd year, where I failed in one subject: FUCKING DIFFERENTIAL CALCULUS. It was no big deal at that moment. I could just take it again, then take up Integral on summer. Problem solved.
The next semester I enrolled in the same subject, but this time with a different professor. He was great. Everything was great until the world gave me the biggest fuck you in my entire life: Leptospirosis. I’ve wrote about that already. What upsets me is that I could have finished all those second semester subjects during…..the second semester. Bullshit. We really can’t have nice things.
I spent the remainder of the second semester days at home. Resting. Doing absolutely nothing. Draining money for nothing.
I finally passed that bullshit subject during summer, but I was still behind with my Physics. This time I can’t catch up with my batch mates, so I just concluded “Fuck this. 6 years. Go and finish ahead of me. I can do this alone”. During the first and second semester, I was in the greatest money draining adventures of my entire life. Completely underloaded study load, double failed Integral Calculus, and barely passed Physics. I started to not give a shit about things anymore.
If it’s going to continue like this for the rest of my [school] life, I’d rather just shift and take something that’s not intensive in math. I’ve had enough. This is where I’ve decided to say goodbye to ECE and shift to Computer Science.
Problem solved, right?
Wasted time is wasted time. Wasted money is wasted money. All those spent on me by my mother and father makes me feel bad for simply existing. There is no return of investment when investing on me. They should have just left me there to die. That way they saved money for better things, and not risk it on me.
Maybe that was my time and I was just forced to live? I really don’t know, but I don’t see anything ahead of me anymore.
I don’t know what to write on this shitty blog, I don’t know what I want to do for the next years of my life, I don’t know how I’m going to compete with my already-ahead-of-me-cousins, and I don’t know where I excel at. I humbly admit that I am good at some things, but being just good is never good enough. Someone can do better, so why not let that someone do it? What use is there for second rate people? Not to mention the world we currently live in is extremely competitive.
Feels like I was forced to live to suffer. To die a horrible death for not being able to satisfy my needs simply because there’s nothing I can do to help keep myself alive.
Our dog that was left in a cage for 95% of the time died yesterday. He just sits there. Eat, drink, sleep, repeat cycle. He lost his purpose. He died young. When one is useless, one’s body, too, starts being useless.