Stop reminding me that I still like you.
It has always been you.
For the longest time that I have kept myself at a distance trying to forget everything from nearly 5 years ago, I kept lying to myself that I got over you. That I don’t need you. That the universe let us both cross our paths for no discernible reason. That all of the things including my most regretted mistakes were all random and serve no purpose whatsoever in my life.
I honestly don’t know what to believe anymore.
Things happen for a reason? Maybe. But I call bullshit.
Though true as spending countless of hours pondering over stupid decisions led me to become someone better in a lot of ways, things from the past keep coming back, forcing me to commit the same mistakes from long ago.
Before I proceed, here’s a little primer. A little something on how I view life: Nothing is ever truly random. Random is just everything masked in obscurity. It’s “random” because there is hardly anything to base things for prediction. Wanting or not wanting something to happen in the future is out of our control and we can only do so much to keep our lives in the path we want it to take. Sort of like this photo I posted a while back, but not exactly (this should get my point a little bit more clearly though).
Before I started to stay away from you, I decided that we were never going to be together. ‘We’ were impossible. The signs I have always held on to to give me hope were nothing in my eternal quest for my life’s meaning. All of those were for nothing and that you came into my life for no reason. That’s settled, then.
But you keep coming back.
Every time you’re out of my life’s scope, you keep showing up in really ridiculous ways. It’s like the universe saying “Hey, here’s that girl you really want. I’m letting you both cross your paths but you still can’t have her!” while I’m asleep at 3 in the morning.
I get myself in a dilemma. I ask myself whether I should try again. I end up not doing anything. Try to forget. Successfully forget. You show up again. Repeat cycle.
One might argue that this repetition is a sign that I should fucking try. Guess what – there is no god damn point. I already did and it led to nowhere. Besides, I don’t deserve her.
(Today I learned that I have no useful life skills other than rant on the internet, dream of rallying, and want to live in an extremely secluded place with internet, of course)
Seriously universe, make a little more sense. Show me something my brain can handle.