Our Very Existence

Random. And incoherent.

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Random Ramblings

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It has been exactly 360 days since I last wrote something on this blog. For whatever value this might hold to you, I apologize for not writing anything lately due to reasons I hope would be clear enough to understand given my poor thought-organization and writing skills.

Everything has come and gone, and so have my thoughts. Over the course of an almost-year, I’ve written a lot of whatever shit my mind came up – but finished nil. One pattern: Come up with an idea, start writing while avoiding the most annoying blog introductory cliches, and give up halfway.

It is my obviously my excessive fear of failure and judgement holding me back. Just stating that, though. Not that there’s anything I can do about it.

With that said, and with the fact that list-based articles are all the rage these days, I abruptly turn to numbers and bullet points for help because writing’s easier that way I have a lot of shit going on in my head right now and I can’t seem to figure out what the hell they have to do with one another.

1. Overthought. What I thought I wanted before and confidently acted upon by making bold, not-thought-through decisions have led my life into limbo. I took so many “wrong” turns off of forks on the road, wasting energy and time I could have easily invested into something else by taking a different path.

The formative years of my life, where I have made a complete joke of what my current state is now given all the wrong decisions, have been wasted to condition me into the most cautions human being to ever walk the planet. Everything from the most complex life decisions, down to the simplest of social interactions have to be over-thought, looking back from every mistake committed thus far and working through the bullshit to avoid making the same said mistakes.

The good: I am very careful with whatever I am doing
The bad: I am very careful with whatever I am doing so I end up accomplishing nothing
The ugly: I am wasteful of time spent on overthinking, yet I still manage to make the same mistakes I am trying to avoid.

It’s like stepping on dog turd, telling yourself to be extra cautious not to step on dog turd the next time, only to find yourself stepping on dog turd yet again.

Long story short, all my life have led me to overthink, and it has brought me nothing but a lot of extra emotional weight and zero practical advantages at all.

2. Cats are awesome. Cats like tight spaces. Cats like sticking their heads into whatever box they can get their paws on. Cats like staring at walls for no apparent reason.

I like tight spaces. I like sticking my head into whatever box I can get my paws hands on. I like staring at walls for no apparent reason.

I am, without a doubt, a cat.

3. Weirdly-shaped tools. It wasn’t until a good friend pointed out how all the things I am wholeheartedly interested in are a mishmash of things that simply do not fit that I came to understand a huge chunk of myself.

Nothing made sense with the crap I like. If you were to explore my brain like you could in Psychonauts (favorite game second to Chrono Trigger by the way. Kicks ass, but appreciated by naught), you’d see my love for bagpipe music over here, small sporty hatchbacks over there, plus computers and other technological devices scattered around. Wait did I forget the kitties of course there would be kitties and pygmy goats the ever-adorable love-children of huskies and corgis.

As a social human being I am thankful for my current set of friends, but beyond that circle I simply do not know where I’d position myself with my interests. Not that that’s a problem, because fuck other people anyway. I never wanted loud and crazy and parties and all that useless bullshit. (see: introversion)

It becomes a problem when you attempt to become a productive member of society. Case in point: I have absolutely nothing in common with the people I am working with. The set of skills I am required of and the set of skills I already have, when plotted in a Venn diagram, will have no union whatsoever.

I do not fit anywhere. Even if I did, it’d be barely, and I’d be that anomalous cog in the machine.

It works, but it weights and wears everybody down.

4. I do not have a proper conclusion for this. Also, #3 bears the worst “title” I have ever written.

I am fully aware that I’m not an excellent writer, nor am I a terrible one. I’ve had better and worse days. This is one of the latter, when I fail to understand just what in the world my head is brewing.

Things will get better.

In time. (was a terrible movie)

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September 5, 2014 at 12:43 am

Pre-sleep thoughts (#2)

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First of all, I’d like to congratulate myself for actually being able to update a “series” I started a long time ago with this post. Though a major breakthrough (for me at the very least), I still have no plans on continually adding content to this series because I have commitment issues, I guess. Or was that her? I’m not sure.

Pre-sleep thoughts is still what it is after a very long time, though. This is, and I quote myself “me blogging late at night about some random topic my mind brought up 3.2 FUCKING SECONDS BEFORE FALLING ASLEEP.

These past few nights my mind has been repeatedly bombarded with thoughts concerning myself: Inner struggles, conflicting ideals, my fluctuating self-esteem and worth, purpose in life, and long-term goals. Thoughts often supplemented with brutal visions of assholes and self-centered people that I sooo badly want dead.

These thoughts, however, I can’t seem to write about anymore.

For some reason, I’ve been having difficulty writing things about myself. Is there a problem with my first person point-of-view writing? Am I just completely unable to concretize things concerning myself that are floating around my head? Or do I not understand myself enough to be able to explain?

To add to that, I can’t refer to my life in posts as “my life” because to me it sound ridiculous, awkward, and corny.

Did I really need to write about myself in the first place? Was my brain just reminding me to stray away from being agnostic towards things and start taking stands? Is there something I needed to start doing to change my life and then be able to answer the questions I have always been asking?

I don’t bloody know. For now.

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August 3, 2013 at 5:58 pm

An open letter to Innocean and Hyundai

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While I found the ad a bit on the smart side, one cannot ignore the fact that it deals with death. An absolute lack of foresight on the part of the dudes who came up with the idea who never thought about the possibility that to some the concept might be too sensitive.

This is sad.

Holly Brockwell

Dear Hyundai and your advertising agency, Innocean,

This is my dad.


His name is Geoff. He married my mum in the eighties and had two little girls, by all accounts the loves of his life.

This is the note he left when he committed suicide in his car:


And this is your new ad.

As an advertising creative, I would like to congratulate you on achieving the visceral reaction we all hope for. On prompting me to share it on my Twitter page and my blog. I would not like to congratulate you on making me cry for my dad.

When your ad started to play, and I saw the beautifully-shot scenes of taped-up car windows with exhaust feeding in, I began to shake. I shook so hard that I had to put down my drink before I spilt it. And then I started to cry. I remembered looking out…

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April 25, 2013 at 2:46 pm

Posted in Uncategorized

@nvidia fuck you, #Intel fuck you, to the entire computer hardware industry, fuck you

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Last three blocks of text, my thoughts exactly.

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April 13, 2013 at 2:35 pm

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Oblivion 2013 semi-review

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Awesome in a glance

Awesome in a glance

One day, while going down an escalator (Descelator? Descendor? No? Okay.) on some random mall I’ve been to, I found myself staring at this poster. “Oblivion. Tom Cruise.” it says, with the image of the waterfall-turned empire state building. This was obviously like at first sight as I’ve always loved post-apocalyptic movies partly because I want them to happen sooner or later.

In an instant I thought that this movie was worth waiting for. For 4 long months I kept staring at this poster while mounting on said escalator wondering when it will ever come out on cinemas. LOL it was there all along. “APRIL”. Yesterday I just watched this, and it felt great to have finally killed my curiosity.

The movie started by stating that it was directed by the one who did Tron: Legacy and produced by same people as Rise of the Planet of the Apes. I didn’t like the latter, so I ignored that to keep my expectations high on a movie I have been waiting for for 4 fucking months.

How was it?

I’m not a movie critic or anything, but I have only these to comment:

The movie is visually excellent. I’m the type of guy who likes movies that can suck people in. Landscapes of this post-apocalyptic world were well presented, though a little bit too lengthy compared to a lot of the other scenes. I’m not complaining – like I said, movies that suck me in and make me experience their world is an instant like. 

WARNING: SPOILERS AND POOR ORDERED-LIST FORMATTING!!!!!!! If you don’t care, carry on lol. This block of text looks like something that came out of a geocities-made website during the 1990s.

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April 13, 2013 at 5:43 am

Pushing a shitty droid into usability

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Android is an amazing operating system. Despite feeling like a bloated piece of shit because  apps run on top of Dalvik (Android’s Java Interpreter), droid phones and tablets have always been my preference as they offer the most for a specific price range and allow deep customization no other OS is capable of.

What bothers me is that a lot of manufacturers make shitty phones, with little to no shit given that a worthless phone has come out of their company.

I happen to own one of said shitty phones, an Alcatel 918N. It’s advertised as an uber entry-level phone, with super mediocre specifications which just barely get the job done. What matters are these: a 650MHz MTK6573 processor, 200MB of internal storage, and 160MB of RAM (which is a fucking joke if you ask me). My last phone, LG’s Optimus One, had similar specs but comes with half a gig of RAM. While I may have not been able to compute for the millionth digit of pi, at least I was able to keep apps in memory and switch between them without a problem.

Don’t get me wrong: I know better than purchasing this phone. The only reason I have this is because it’s a replacement phone for our postpaid plan on Sun Cellular. All the others were feature phones, and I didn’t want to bother myself with those, though after a few weeks, I felt regret, because…

THE PHONE IS PAINFULLY SLOW. To be able to use the phone primarily as a…phone, I had to go through shit no cellphone user has to go through. Ever. Like:

1. Resort to ultra-light launchers

Remember how this phone has only 160MB of RAM? The phone idles with 40MB RAM free, which isn’t a lot. The ultra light launchers, theoretically, will occupy less space on RAM, and give way to my more important apps that need frequent switching, like messaging, phone, and my browser.

It has been many months and Lightning Launcher serves me well. I haven’t come across any other usable tiny launcher.

Lightning Launcher Read the rest of this entry »

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March 31, 2013 at 7:26 am

Making the world a better place.

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These times are frustrating. Every once in a while, I hear news that someone I know was held up – intimidated with rusty market tools, knives, and even guns into giving up their phones and wallets. Some people, despite having agreed to the thief’s demands, end up losing their lives.

I’m amazed at how brutal the world has become.

Or has it always been like this? That the value of objects priced between PHP500 to PHP30,000 can rival that of a single human being’s life?

Philosophical shit aside, I got a little paranoid. I looked up ways on how I could fight back without having to rely on my in-existent self defense skills and my in-existent super strength . Please note, however, that what I intend to fight for is not my life, but rather my stubborn pride that I never really figured out how to “calm down”. I will not accept being stolen from. I will not accept that some random idiot with a brain as small as a quark take my belongings through brute force alone. If it means taking him down with his/her heart torn out of his/her chest and force-fed to his/her mouth, then I’d happily sacrifice my life and set an example to all others who seek this as an alternative to decent, legal, and moral jobs.

I considered many options including electroshock weapons, tranquilizer darts, and ridiculously tiny handguns. I wasn’t able to test them though, as I didn’t have any spare film cameras with flash nor the necessary poisons to lace darts with. Guns and commercial tasers aren’t an option – I won’t be allowed to own one considering my hot-headed behavior (see: previous paragraph).

But what if you could talk your way out?

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March 15, 2013 at 2:22 am

Posted in Society, Uncategorized

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