Our Very Existence

Random. And incoherent.

Posts Tagged ‘life

Random Ramblings

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It has been exactly 360 days since I last wrote something on this blog. For whatever value this might hold to you, I apologize for not writing anything lately due to reasons I hope would be clear enough to understand given my poor thought-organization and writing skills.

Everything has come and gone, and so have my thoughts. Over the course of an almost-year, I’ve written a lot of whatever shit my mind came up – but finished nil. One pattern: Come up with an idea, start writing while avoiding the most annoying blog introductory cliches, and give up halfway.

It is my obviously my excessive fear of failure and judgement holding me back. Just stating that, though. Not that there’s anything I can do about it.

With that said, and with the fact that list-based articles are all the rage these days, I abruptly turn to numbers and bullet points for help because writing’s easier that way I have a lot of shit going on in my head right now and I can’t seem to figure out what the hell they have to do with one another.

1. Overthought. What I thought I wanted before and confidently acted upon by making bold, not-thought-through decisions have led my life into limbo. I took so many “wrong” turns off of forks on the road, wasting energy and time I could have easily invested into something else by taking a different path.

The formative years of my life, where I have made a complete joke of what my current state is now given all the wrong decisions, have been wasted to condition me into the most cautions human being to ever walk the planet. Everything from the most complex life decisions, down to the simplest of social interactions have to be over-thought, looking back from every mistake committed thus far and working through the bullshit to avoid making the same said mistakes.

The good: I am very careful with whatever I am doing
The bad: I am very careful with whatever I am doing so I end up accomplishing nothing
The ugly: I am wasteful of time spent on overthinking, yet I still manage to make the same mistakes I am trying to avoid.

It’s like stepping on dog turd, telling yourself to be extra cautious not to step on dog turd the next time, only to find yourself stepping on dog turd yet again.

Long story short, all my life have led me to overthink, and it has brought me nothing but a lot of extra emotional weight and zero practical advantages at all.

2. Cats are awesome. Cats like tight spaces. Cats like sticking their heads into whatever box they can get their paws on. Cats like staring at walls for no apparent reason.

I like tight spaces. I like sticking my head into whatever box I can get my paws hands on. I like staring at walls for no apparent reason.

I am, without a doubt, a cat.

3. Weirdly-shaped tools. It wasn’t until a good friend pointed out how all the things I am wholeheartedly interested in are a mishmash of things that simply do not fit that I came to understand a huge chunk of myself.

Nothing made sense with the crap I like. If you were to explore my brain like you could in Psychonauts (favorite game second to Chrono Trigger by the way. Kicks ass, but appreciated by naught), you’d see my love for bagpipe music over here, small sporty hatchbacks over there, plus computers and other technological devices scattered around. Wait did I forget the kitties of course there would be kitties and pygmy goats the ever-adorable love-children of huskies and corgis.

As a social human being I am thankful for my current set of friends, but beyond that circle I simply do not know where I’d position myself with my interests. Not that that’s a problem, because fuck other people anyway. I never wanted loud and crazy and parties and all that useless bullshit. (see: introversion)

It becomes a problem when you attempt to become a productive member of society. Case in point: I have absolutely nothing in common with the people I am working with. The set of skills I am required of and the set of skills I already have, when plotted in a Venn diagram, will have no union whatsoever.

I do not fit anywhere. Even if I did, it’d be barely, and I’d be that anomalous cog in the machine.

It works, but it weights and wears everybody down.

4. I do not have a proper conclusion for this. Also, #3 bears the worst “title” I have ever written.

I am fully aware that I’m not an excellent writer, nor am I a terrible one. I’ve had better and worse days. This is one of the latter, when I fail to understand just what in the world my head is brewing.

Things will get better.

In time. (was a terrible movie)

Written by kpbotbot

September 5, 2014 at 12:43 am

Dear World…

with one comment

I still don’t see how spending a shitload of money to keep me alive is worth it. 1 year and 4 months back, I almost died of Leptospirosis. I was in the hospital for 3 weeks: 1 week in the ward, and 2 weeks in the ICU +  rest in ward before I was released from the hospital. All in all, we’ve spent about P400,000. Return of investment for keeping me alive? Zero. Even in the near future I don’t think I’m going to make up for it.

That’s not the only reason why I’m thinking this way.

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Written by kpbotbot

April 18, 2012 at 8:13 am